Infidelity: Marriage Doom?

Can Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Many of us believe that our marriage would be so over if we ever found out that our spouse cheated on us. But would it be, really? It’s hard to know until you are in that position. Acclaimed marriage therapist, Michele Wiener-Davis offers 10 things you should know about how to recover from infidelity in your relationship.

The ultimate betrayal

When you get married you take vows to honour, cherish and never have sex with anyone other than your spouse. You enter into this contract with unilateral trust.

Most of us believe in the sanctity of marriage and our ability to sustain monogamy with our chosen spouses for 50 fairy tale years (or more!) of wedded bliss. We want to believe that our marriage and the bonds we share with our spouse are unbreakable, especially if we’ve worked hard to maintain open communication and an active sex life.

And then maybe it happens: Someone cheats. And we’re left wondering if our marriage can survive this infidelity?

Forgiveness?

According to Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage, the short answer is: Absolutely. Yes, you can forgive your spouse for cheating.

“A lot of my work involves working with just one spouse. However, when it comes to working out the issues of forgiveness about betrayal, both spouses are necessary,” says Weiner Davis. “But the cheating spouse may not be ready to participate and that’s when my working with the spouse who wants the marriage to work can be helpful. Together, we can lay the groundwork for future work as a couple. But in the end, if the cheating spouse completely refuses to take responsibility forever, there’s not much hope for the marriage.”

Healing shattered trust

As a marriage therapist for two decades, Weiner-Davis admits she’s heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many seriously contemplate divorce after infidelity occurs.

However, she points out, it’s important to know that no matter how bleak things might seem, it’s possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It’s not easy – there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions to save a marriage from divorce – but years of experience have taught her that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.